


Not Technically

by vericus



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: F/M, Post Reveal, chloe needs new friends, drunk discussions of sex, drunks being drunk, except not, kind of not really season 4 compliant, mentions of marchlo but not in a good way, tribe night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 19:08:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18349886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vericus/pseuds/vericus
Summary: Chloe has a bit too much to drink and confesses something sheprobably shouldn'tdefinitely should have to the tribe.





	Not Technically

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this when I was literally in bed with a fever and raging sinus headache because the bunny would not leave me alone. Let it percolate for a bit, edited, and now you get...this...
> 
> Completely ignoring the 5-second Ella reaction in 3x20, because. Also not necessarily referencing that episode, though it's obviously the inspiration.
> 
> Post 3x24, obvs.

It wasn't a tribe night.  Ella made that clear - even if it was at a tiki bar, it wasn't a tribe night, because they were going to be _totally breaking_ girls night rules and ranting about guys.  Or, one guy in specific: Pierce.  It was a designated 'rant about Pierce' night, because they all apparently needed it, even though Linda had never met the guy.  Chloe was pretty sure that Ella was just desperately trying to get some sense of normality back now that everyone was off their various suspensions/grief leaves, but that was fine.  In truth, Chloe could use a night to just get drunk and talk trash about her ex like a normal person, because she was beginning to understand why Linda drank so much, with all the celestial drama.

"Should we really be talking ill of the dead?" Linda wondered once they were at a table, a tray of shots in front of them, and Ella asked who was going first.

"Why not?" Maze demanded. "He tried to kill all of us!"

"Nobody says nice things about Hitler, and he's dead," Ella pointed out.

" _Literally Cain,"_ Chloe enunciated, and Linda conceded the point by toasting them into their first of many rounds of shots.

Their rants about Pierce started out mundane, work related: Ella complaining about how he hated the donuts she brought on his first day, Chloe ranting about how he purposefully got people's names wrong to piss them off.  They quickly became more personal and petty, and then plunged straight off into the deep end of him being the actual Sinnerman and the terrible shit Chloe, Dan, and even Charlotte, had uncovered him doing before the whole fiasco had come to a head.  That was around the time Maze burst into an expletive and vitriolic rant of her own about her capture and Pierce's obsession with killing Amenadiel and/or Linda, ending with a demand that Chloe make Lucifer take her home so she could torture the bastard in hell.

"But then you'd be _gone_ ," Linda enunciated to the demon.

"Yeah," Maze said in a no-duh tone of voice. "Gone _home."_

"Yeah!  An' home izn't _here_ , where all the _drinks_ are - where _we_ are," Linda retorted.  Maze's mouth opened and closed a few times, then she grunted and grabbed a shot.

"To tribe!" she bellowed, and downed it, the other three echoing her in short order, shots and all.

"Wait, y'know what?" Chloe declared as she slammed her glass down.

"No, but I know who!" Ella hooted, and Chloe gave her a sloppy shove in the shoulder that almost sent the lab tech careening out of her seat.  The near-calamity only made Ella and Linda laugh hysterically, and even Chloe snickered.

"Ok, but no - no, _seriously_ , girls -" Chloe slurred. "D'you know what _th'worst_ thing about him was?"

"That he was _literally Cain?"_ Ella asked with a snicker.  The three in the know had kept insisting Pierce was _literally Cain_ throughout the night, and Ella had found it vastly hilarious, starting to call him Cain herself.  They were all rather hoping she carried the joke into work and called Pierce Cain in front of Lucifer, because even Chloe could admit it would be hilarious.

"No!" Chloe said with a vehement shake of her head. "It's that despite _allllll_ that time he had, he was still - still _really bad in bed!"_

"Whaddaya mean?" Linda asked, squinting at Chloe across the table.

"I mean, he was _bad_ ," Chloe said, looking at Linda like she was nuts, because clearly this shouldn't have needed more explanation. Except apparently it did.

"Ok, but, there's _lots_ of ways of being bad in bed," Linda slurred, leaning forwards and waving a wobbly finger in Chloe's face. "Like, no stam'na, or - or starfishin' - or just _clumsy_ or _clueless_ , or _whatever_!" She threw her arms out to either side to indicate the wide range of possibilities and nearly smacked Maze in the face.  The demon mock-snapped at her hand, and Linda sniggered as she snatched it back.

"Ok, ok - he was - he was bad at _satisfying_ ," Chloe said after a moment of concentration.

"Couldn't find the right spot?" Linda asked conspiratorially.

"Couldn't find _anything_!" Chloe sighed dramatically, lounging back against her chair. "An' - and tryin' t'get him t'stay put an' _try_ was like - this _major fuckin inking - in con -"_

"Inconvenience?" Ella supplied.

"Yeah!  That!" Chloe agreed, nodding firmly, then squinted. "Whawas I sayin'?"

"Pierce being bad in bed," Maze supplied with a snicker.

"Right!  Yeah!  Even DAN was better in bed than he was!" Chloe said, gesturing wildly, and Maze cackled.

"I need - _need_ to go to Hell, _jus'_ so I can tell 'im that to'is face!" the demon sniggered. "Oh oh, maybe on th'way back we could grab Abel 'gain, see if it's a family trait!"

"Maze!  I'm not sleeping with his brother for science!"

"Who said anything about you?" Maze giggled, then half-rose out of her seat, drink raised. "I volunteer!"

"Maze, no!" Chloe protested, laughing hysterically.

"Maze yes!" Linda hooted, and Maze beamed at having the doctor on her side.

"Ok but can we go back to - to Pierce not being _satisfying_ in bed?" Ella slurred. "Cuz Dan isn't a good metric when you're the _only_ one here who slept with him, Chlo.  We have no reference point!"

"We could always go get one," Linda suggested with a grin, and Chloe gasped at her.

" _Doctor Linda_!" Then she collapsed into giggles.

"What!  He's good looking!  And a _cop_!  I wouldn't say no, if he asked!" Linda protested, and turned to Ella. "Back me up on this!" Ella's nose wrinkled, saying all she needed to about that, and Maze burst into giggles.

"Ok, ok, _ok!_   _For reference_ , then, an' t'save Dan from getting _assaulted_ -" Chloe tried to glare at Linda, but the therapist only giggled. "He didn't manage to make me cum once."

" _What_?! Not once?" Ella spluttered.

"What the fuck Decker, an' you almost married him?!" Maze looked horrified. "What kinda masochist are you?"

"How could he've failed _every time_?!" Even Linda was scandalized. "Did you _tell_ him?"

"I tried!  But he'd get all impatient and pouty an' shit, an' like - hey, I was an actress, once, so I just - faked it!  Figured I had time to teach him!" Chloe said defensively.

" _Teach_ \- Chloe you shouldn't have to _teach_ your partner how to satisfy you!" Linda protested.

"Pretty sure her partner knows how," Maze snickered, and Ella collapsed into giggles.

"Boy does he _ever,_ " Linda said with a snigger, while Chloe's cheeks flared bright red and she hid her face in her hands. "But no, no seriously.  Seriously, Chloe.  If you don't cum at least _once_ with them, you don't _marry them_!"

"I came once!" Chloe said defensively.

"Nuh-uh you said never!" Ella protested. "You can't change your story now!"

"I said _he_ never made -" Chloe abruptly shut up, shoving her drink in her face and refusing to look at anyone.

"Deckeeeer," Maze cooed, a grin slowly blossoming across her face. "What were you about to say there?"

"Nothing, nothing, not important," Chloe said hurriedly, sinking into her seat and still avoiding eye contact.

"Oh no, this is _not_ nothing. This is not _unimportant_ ," Linda said sagely, motioning to Chloe. "This is a _story_."

"No it isn't!  Shut up!" Chloe whined, trying to hide behind her drink more.

"Not until you tell uuuuus!" Ella sing-songed.  Chloe kept her lips clamped firmly shut, leaving the others to try and figure out the answer for themselves.

"How d'you manage t'cum with a guy, but - but not have _him_ get you off?" Linda mused.

"Like, other than doing it yourself?" Maze asked.

"Does that _look_ like she did it herself?!" Linda demanded, motioning to Chloe, whose cheeks were now flaming red.

"Lindaaaa!"

"Toys?" Ella suggested.

"Someone'd still have t'use the toy - Decker! Did you have a threesome?" Maze grinned.

"No!" Chloe sunk deeper in her chair, refusing to look at anyone.

"You did!  You totally did!" Linda crowed.

"I did not!" Chloe whined. "Not technically!  It doesn't count!"  She realized what she'd said in the next instant, her eyes going wide with horror, and she grabbed for a shot, as if more alcohol would fix this problem.

"Not _technically_?!" Maze grinned widely.

"I'm preeeetty sure threesomes are a 'yes or no' thing, Chlo," Ella told the detective confidentially. "There's not really - _room_ for _technically_."

"How did it _not technically_ count?" Linda asked, leaning forward to give Chloe her best earnest-therapist look.

"Not telling!" Chloe insisted, crossing her arms and glaring at Linda.

"But - but you _brought it up!"_ Linda whined. "And now I _gotta know_ \- wait." She straightened in her chair, expression brightening with realization. "Did it involve Lucifer?"

"No!  Shut up!" Chloe protested shrilly, and Linda cackled.

"Wait, what?!  _Threesome with them both?!_   Chloeeeee!" Ella whined. "You gotta _tell us_ these things!"

"No!  No there was no -"

"L i a r," Maze spoke over her loudly, and Chloe growled.

"Ok!  Fine!  Fine, I'll tell you all!  But you're not allowed to get mad at me, Ella, because you asked!" Chloe declared, pointing to the lab tech, who yelped.

"Me?! How am I getting dragged into this?"

"It was in th'evidence closet at work," Chloe informed her.

 _"What!"_ Ella looked horrified. "Chlo!"

"It was his idea!" Chloe replied defensively.

"His as in -"

"Pierce's!  It was Pierce's idea!  Because I was sleeping with Pierce!" Chloe interrupted Maze. "And don't worry Ella, it was jus' on the counter to the side, not near any of the actual, y'know, evidence itself -"

" _I use that counter!_ "

"I went back and sanitized it after!"

"Hey, I wanna hear the story!" Maze cut in over Ella's next indignant protest, and the lab tech slumped back in her chair with a scowl.

"As do I.  Please, continue Chloe," Linda said with exaggerated politeness, using her fist to prop her head up above the table. "Pierce suggested you two _get it on_ in the evidence closet?"

"Yeah and it was - well I mean, _Hot Tub High School -_ some teeny tiny exhibishony tendencies, so it was fun, but like - still not really, _enough_ , y'know?  He was there in about five seconds, an' I was like -" Chloe paused. "Not.  So I did th'whole - y'gotta build up to faking it, right?  Yeah, so I was doing that, and -" she stopped, smiling somewhat creepily as she caught her lower lip between her teeth.

"And what?" Maze prompted demandingly.  Chloe shook herself and blushed deeply, taking a big gulp of her drink before continuing.

"And uh - well, I obviously wasn't at my desk, so I guess HE came looking for me -"

"HE?" Maze wondered, but Linda shushed her, watching Chloe with rapt attention.

"- an' he ran into someone I guess, literally _right_ outside, and those doors are like _super thin,_ right Ella?" She didn't even pause for Ella to agree, gaze far away and funny smile firmly in place as she relived the memory. "So I'm doing my thing, an' all of th'sudden there's just - ' _Have you seen the_ Detective _?'_ " She somehow managed to imitate Lucifer's intonation exactly, even if the accent was a bit off. "And that was that." Chloe nodded firmly, taking a large gulp of her drink.

"That was what?" Ella asked in confusion as Linda started to laugh and a grin started to stretch across Maze's face.

"That was _that!"_ Chloe repeated unhelpfully.

"What, you came from just - from just -" Ella broke down into hysterical giggles, unable to finish the question.

" _Listen have you heard him?!"_ Chloe demanded indignantly.

"So let me get this straight," Maze said, her grin threatened to split her face in half as she leaned across the table to get closer to Chloe, waving an accusing finger in her face. "You're banging at work, all set for disappointment _despite_ Pierce managing to _accidentally_ find one of your kinks, an' then _Lucifer_ walks up an' jus' - just asks if someone's _seen you_ , an' that's all it takes?!"

"Yes!  Yes Maze, that's what I'm saying!" Chloe groaned.

"Fuck Decker!  Why the fuck haven't you boned him yet!" Maze demanded, throwing her hands up in disgust. "Are you _really_ a masochist?!  What the fuck!  Seriously!  Literally all you'd have to do is go up to him and be like, 'Hey Lucifer, wanna bang?' and _bam_ , you'd never not be riding an orgasm high again!"

"It's not that simple!" Chloe protested.

"And getting off to his _voice_ while banging your _boss_ , _is?"_ Maze demanded. "Fuck, if his ego wasn't already the size of the damn planet, Decker, I'd just tell him myself just so _one_ of you would get a move on.  What the fuck!"

"Maze!" Chloe groaned. "That's totally not fair!"

"No no, lissen, maybe that would actually get us somewhere!" Linda burst in emphatically. "Cuz like...three years of therapy ain't done _shit_ , so maybe - maybe he jus' needs to be hit over the head a few times with a cluebat!"

" _Even if he does_ ," Chloe said loudly, managing to summon some scraps of dignity. "The cluebat isn't gonna be a story about me and _literally Cain_ havin' a quickie at work!"

"Psh, he's a big boy, he can handle it," Maze scoffed.

"No no no, of course he can," Chloe agreed readily. "But then he's gonna want to _top_ it!"

"Pretty sure he wants to top ' _it'_ anyways," Ella hooted, motioning to Chloe and sending Maze and Linda into gales of laughter again.  Chloe glared at them all, sitting back in her chair with her drink to sulk.

\---

If nothing else, Chloe could say with absolute certainty that she would forever appreciate Lucifer for his lack of judgement when it came to hangovers.  He was downright _hospitable_ when it came to dealing with them, in fact, and the knowledge of that was what managed to drag Chloe out of bed the next morning, instead of taking a sick day.  She slouched in at quarter after, and was still summoning the energy to look at the case file sitting front-and-center on her desk, obviously left there pointedly by the new Lieutenant, when a coffee magically appeared in front of her face.  Chloe grabbed it, inhaling deeply, her eyes closing as she caught the familiar scent of her favourite drink.

"Had a fun night, then?" Lucifer drawled, and Chloe cracked an eye open to look at him.

"It was _a_ night, at least," was all she'd admit to, then took a cautious sip of her drink.  Finding it the right temperature, as always (she was near-positive that Lucifer cheated and used Devil-voodoo to do that), before taking a full-on gulp.  She straightened, forcing her eyes wide, and turned her attention to the file on her desk finally.

"Ah, excellent, a new case!" Lucifer said brightly, dropping gracefully into his own chair next to her desk. "What have we got this time?"

"Mmm, a messy one, probably.  Victim's a doctor," Chloe replied as she skimmed the information. Medical professionals always, somehow, ended up being the most complicated of cases, either due to doctor-patient confidentiality or just the drama such grueling work schedules naturally evoked.

"Well, best get to it, then?" Lucifer suggested.

"Yeah, we -"

"Morning Chloe," Ella said brightly in greeting as she arrived. "Have you seen the detective...on that Sarah Ryans case?  I think I have a break for them." Chloe froze, then slowly turned, eyes narrowing, to look at the lab tech.  Ella grinned widely. "Never mind, I'll find them myself!" She hurried away, a bounce in her step.

"That was..." Lucifer trailed off, head tilting slightly to the side as he watched Ella go. "Odd," he settled on.  Chloe's lips pursed.

"Seemed like normal Ella to me," she said firmly, standing. "Shall we?"

"Right, yes, of course -" Lucifer stopped short, suddenly confronted with Maze, and demon and Devil glared at one another for several tense seconds.

"Hey _Decker_ ," Maze said finally, not taking her eyes off her former boss, whose gaze narrowed at the snub.

"Hey Maze.  Love to stay and chat, but we've got a case," Chloe said firmly, for once interrupting the infernal stare-down as she practically bulldozed Lucifer away from Maze, hoping against hope that they could get away before -

"Yeah, no worries - hey, have you seen the detective...on that kidnapping case from last week?" Chloe's eyes closed briefly, and she stopped, turning to glare back at the demon.

"Maybe you should try missing persons, _Maze."_ she said, glaring daggers.  Maze grinned widely.

"Right, shoulda thought of that," she said, and sauntered off.

"Was she...whistling?" Lucifer asked, disturbed.

"Of course not, she's Maze," Chloe replied promptly, turning back to the door. "C'mon, let's go." Chloe fled.

**\- End -**


End file.
